Football Version of NCLB

For those frustrated with No Child Left Behind, or those who don't know much about it but who DO understand football, here's something tacked onto the teachers' lounge door.

1. All teams must make the state playoff and all MUST win the championship. If a team does not win the championship, they will be on probation until they are the champions, and coaches will be held accountable. If after two years they have not won the championship, their footballs and equipment will be taken away UNTIL they do win the championship.

2. All kids will be expected to have the same football skills at the same time even if they do not have the same conditions or opportunities to practice on their own. NO exceptions will be made for lack of interest in football, a desire to perform athletically, or genetic abilities or disabilities of themselves or their parents, including paralysis and blindness. ALL KIDS WILL PLAY FOOTBALL AT A PROFICIENT LEVEL!

3. Talented players will be asked to work out on their own and without instruction. This is because coaches will be using all their time with the athletes who aren't interested in football, have limited physical ability, physical disabilities, or whose parents don't like football.

4. Games will be played year-round, but statistics will only be kept in the 4th, 8th, and 11th games. This will create a New Age of Sports where every team is expected to have the same level of talent and all teams will reach the same minimum goals.

Moral to the story: If no child gets ahead, then no child gets left behind!